abstinence only sex education sucks ass. my parents were good about talking to my bro and i about sex, but there are a lot of things that they didn’t know to tell us because culture changes so much over like 30 years.

this is all stuff i learned myself over three or four years of research, experience, and constant desire to learn in spite of all of the people who told me not to. honestly, there are so many useful things that can be taught if we stop pretending sex is this evil monster that causes problems for anyone who does it if they’re not married and heterosexual.

sex is not the enemy, misinformation about sex is.

• there are safer ways to have sex. instead of concentrating on the ways to safely have sex, abstinence-only sex ed concentrates on “don’t get pregnant it sucks.” there are a lot of ways to make sex safe, like complete consent, communication, and going gradually. safe sex isn’t just about not getting an std or pregnant, it’s also about not hurting yourself and making sure each party involved is comfortable!
• there are ways to have sex besides missionary penis-in-vagina intercourse. there are a whole multitude of ways to have sex, and it’s honestly necessary to know what your options are before you engage in sexual conduct. anal sex, oral sex, intercrural sex, manual sex, using toys or dildos, and even mutual masturbation are options, as long as they’re done safely. there’s no such thing as the “full” sex or “right” sex.

• penetrative sex is not supposed to hurt. if the penetrated party hurts or is bleeding, they aren’t prepared enough. there’s nothing wrong with this. there’s nothing shameful about needing lube or a little more stretching. if something hurts, take a step back and try to get a little more preparation done. some people naturally have a smaller vagina, and there’s nothing wrong with this. but if bleeding or pain is persistent, it’s never a bad idea to see a doctor. this can be a sign of cancer or an std. this can also just be excess friction, which can be solved by adding a good lubricant.
• this goes along with the above, but the hymen as proof of virginity is a myth created to suppress vagina-bearers’ sexuality. hymens exist sometimes, but they are not a reliable way of telling if someone is a virgin or not. hymens are mucous membranes degraded over time by periods, penetration, and vaginal trauma. piercing the hymen shouldn’t always hurt or cause bleeding. if you use tampons, you probably don’t have a hymen anymore (or at least have a very wide opening in yours), and that’s okay because it’s not anything to worry about having. breaking the hymen is no excuse for pain during penetrative sex, and anyone who insists that this is true is using it as an excuse for being too rough in penetrative sex. sometimes bleeding does occur from stretching the hymen too much, or tearing it, but this is usually not a good thing and should be examined by a doctor. some people are able to tear their hymens and go on with their lives, but a doctor would be likely to recommend a surgery if the opening in your hymen is too small to allow for penetrative sex. hymen-penetrating sex can come with a little bleeding and pain, but it would be safe to see your doctor if there is excessive pain or bleeding.
• contact your doctor if you have excessive pain or bleeding after vagina-penetrative sex. a little bleeding, itching, or pain can be normal for some people. however if you have excessive bleeding or pain and are not on your period, contacting a doctor would be a good idea.
• if you’re not ready for sex, don’t do it. if you are ready for sex, go for it. everyone is different. anyone who thinks there’s a magical age where people are completely ready for sex is totally wrong. some people are ready at fifteen, some aren’t until their thirties. honestly, i think any younger than fifteen is pushing it a bit, and i would never consider anyone under that age emotionally ready for sex. but i have known plenty of people who were ready at fifteen, and had sex with other fifteen-year-olds (or people who were close to their age) and haven’t regretted it or felt guilty about it. age of consent still applies, though. check your local laws before having sex with anyone. most places won’t freak out over two fifteen-year-olds having sex. you should do what you want with your body, just know what your options are and be open with your partner(s). remember that you can make choices for yourself and that those choices don’t affect anyone else.
• there’s nothing wrong with being a sexual being. the majority of people are sexual, that’s okay. some aren’t. there’s nothing wrong with being either. wanting to have sex doesn’t make you a slut, it makes you sexual. not wanting to have sex doesn’t make you a prude, it makes you non-sexual. both of those features can change, but only as long as you choose for them to.
• i’m adding this because this is equally important: it’s fine to be an asexual/nonsexual being. it’s fine to not want sex. it’s fine to not experience sexual attraction. there is nothing wrong with anyone for this, and sex can, but usually doesn’t, change this in a person.
• vaginas don’t actually smell like fish. at least, they shouldn’t. i know, there go all of those lesbian jokes. they’re no longer funny because they aren’t true, dang. but if they were so wrong about something like that, if they were perpetrating a myth that actually keeps people from being treated to oral (which is pretty awesome, not gonna lie), and suppresses the sexuality of vagina-bearers by making them ashamed of their bodies, were they really that funny in the first place? if a vagina smells bad, the owner probably isn’t taking good enough care of it, and needs to either wash more frequently, or pay more attention washing their genitals. it could also be a sign of an infection, so a visit to the doctor wouldn’t hurt. of course, your vagina might just smell a bit, there’s nothing wrong with that either. but it should not smell like what anyone would recognize as fish.
• the proper name for what is traditionally considered female genitalia is “vulva.” this includes the labia, the mons, the vagina, the clitoris, etc. the vagina is just the hole. the entire network is referred to as the vulva.
• there’s a proper way to treat your downstairs. hygiene is really important to sexual health, and overall health. you should make sure to thoroughly wash your genitals with a mild non-fragrance soap. it’s tempting to use the same stuff that you use on your body, but using something fragranced can cause irritation and infection. for cleaning the vulva: use a washcloth and warm water, gently wipe the area around your vagina, avoiding the anus, which should be washed separately due to risk of infection. if necessary, a mild soap may be used. for cleaning the penis and testicles: use a washcloth and warm water, gently run it over the penis and testicles. a mild soap may be used if necessary. for an uncircumcised penis, the foreskin should be pulled away from the head, and the head should be cleansed as well, do not use soap here. for either set of genitals, it’s important to know that washing will not always prevent stds.
• douches are terrible for you. you may be grossed out by your vagina, you may hate the smell, but douching is not a good alternative to proper hygiene. it throws off the pH balance in your vagina, and can cause a change in the bacteria population, which isn’t healthy. your body is finely calibrated to house bacteria responsible for maintaining your health. douching destroys those bacteria.
• there are more ways to prevent spreading stds than condoms and abstinence. there are vagina condoms, dental dams, and when using hands for penetration, rubber gloves can be used.
• sexuality is a complex thing. there’s a lot more to it than being gay or straight. wanting to have sex with a person of your gender doesn’t make you gay, and wanting to have sex with someone of your opposite gender doesn’t make you straight. there’s leeway in between. some say sexuality is a scale, but it’s a lot more like this:
  
  see how it’s more than black, white, and gray? there are so many different sexualities and sexual identities that they can’t be confined to a small line. with a setup like this, you can create an almost infinite amount of colors, and sexuality is the same way.
• having a vulva doesn’t mean someone is a girl and having a penis doesn’t make someone a boy. gender is separate from the type of genitalia a person has. some girls have dicks, some dudes have vulva. some people aren’t girls or dudes. there’s nothing wrong with that because gender and sex are different, and as with sexuality, there are infinite ways to identify your gender.
• your personal sexuality only affects you and your partner(s). this seems silly, but so many people feel like others’ sexuality affects them. it doesn’t. what one person does in the privacy of their bedroom (or kitchen, or restroom) doesn’t affect another person. making a choice to have sex or masturbate is no one’s business but your own, and nobody should be allowed to judge you by their own choices. your body belongs to you. this goes both ways. nobody’s sexuality affects you. if someone chooses to have sex, then it has no effect on you. they aren’t inferior to you and you have no right to treat them as such.
• there’s (probably) nothing wrong with your labia. seriously, don’t be insecure about your labia. there’s usually nothing wrong with them being long. many completely healthy people have longer labia. that’s fine. it’s usually medically fine for them to hang down even almost two inches! if anyone tells you it looks weird or is unattractive, well, then don’t let them near your labia again. they don’t have to see it if they don’t like it. if you feel like they’re longer than normal, or they get in the way or cause pain, talk to your doctor about it. you can have a labiaplasty, surgically reducing the labia, but it’s rarely medically necessary. there are a multitude of projects and documentaries online, look up “the perfect vagina,” it’s a bit old but it’s a lovely documentary about labiaplasty and self-consciousness about the vulva.
• there’s (probably) nothing wrong with your penis. it’s okay to have a small penis, and it’s okay to have a large penis. it’s cool for your penis to lean a certain way, to bend or curve a bit when it’s hard. it’s cool to have one that’s thick or thin. really: it’s okay. you aren’t any better or worse at sex based on the size or shape of your penis. sex is about a lot more than that. it doesn’t make you any more or less of a person to have a penis that isn’t the perfect size.
• women can enjoy sex. we’re usually taught that if you have sex (which is often defined in sex ed as only penis-in-vagina) the vagina-bearer (usually treated as a woman in sex ed) won’t enjoy it. she’ll regret it and get pregnant and never enjoy life again. this is another one of those things that tries to suppress the sexuality of vagina-bearers.
• virginity has no true value. you can’t (legally) sell virginity. there’s no good way to tell whether someone is or isn’t a virgin. if someone’s not a virgin, there’s nothing wrong with that. if you are a virgin there’s nothing wrong with that either. virginity is socially constructed. because there are many ways of having sex, there’s no way to apply the concept of virginity to everyone. placing a social value on virginity makes it seem like some people are worth more than others, when really it’s just different. valuing your own virginity is fine and dandy, but using your status as a virgin to shame other people is frankly disgusting.
• it’s fine to like “weird” things in sex. you can enjoy bdsm, lingerie, non-traditional positions, kinks, fetishes, and all kinds of awesome things without shame because as said before sex is different for everyone, and your sexuality doesn’t affect anyone else.
• you can consent to sex without consenting to other things. you can consent to sex without consenting to pregnancy, stds, certain types of sex, marriage, relationships, and a multitude of other things. you can consent to oral sex, but not to penetrative sex. you are not a tease for wanting to do one thing and not another. you can consent to sex once without consenting again.
• marriage does not mean consent to sex. no matter when or where it is, you have a right to say no when it concerns your body.
• a period is just a period. there should be no stigma about being on your period. you probably don’t feel your best, but it’s never okay to invalidate your feelings because your uterine lining is sloughing off. a period doesn’t turn you into a different person. they’re not the same for everyone, but there’s nothing embarrassing about having to buy pads or tampons because think about it, probably 30% of the population has a period. when you go to check out, look at all the people around you. the pregnant woman? she had a period before pregnancy. the elder woman? she probably had a period before menopause. so many people bleed from their vagina every month, there’s no reason to be embarrassed about it, and no reason to try to embarrass someone about it.
• you can’t prevent rape by being careful, knowing self-defense, dressing conservatively, or carrying a weapon. you can prevent rape by not raping. this i’d consider the most important. it’s easy to blame the victim because we have an attitude that people should protect themselves better, but honestly, what really reduces the prevalence of any crime? people avoiding that crime being committed to them? or people not committing that crime? asking for consent is always the best idea. discussing the act before it happens can be fun and sexy, and will prevent any uncomfortable situations.
• planned parenthood is not and never will be an abortion clinic. planned parenthood offers abortion services, like referral and information, and even then, that’s less than 3% of their services. they are a good resource for people with less money to spend on sexual health. many people go their for checkups, annuals, cancer screenings, std screenings, and birth control. they distribute condoms and other safer sex supplies, especially to teenagers. they don’t ask a whole lot of questions. they mainly exist to help prevent pregnancy and std spreading. they have valuable resources for any person, and a lot of their services are completely free.
• there is a right way and a wrong way to use birth control. this goes for the pill, the ring, condoms, and anything else. you have to take your pill according to the directions. you have to use condoms the right way, which includes avoiding using two. it sounds like a good idea, but it actually decreases the condoms’ effectiveness because it creates friction between them. talking to a doctor about your birth control method is a great idea.
• there is nothing wrong with being non-monogamous or having more than one sex partner. plenty of people are polyamorous, meaning they want more than one romantic partner. this is all fine and dandy as long as everyone is totally aware of it and allows it to happen.
• sex is funny. think about it, some weird noises and funny shit happens. that’s just sex! there’s nothing wrong with your body functions or the funny sounds you make.
• tracking fertility is not a proper substitute for actual birth control. it should never be considered birth control because using this method has a 25-30% chance of pregnancy. sex without any birth control has a pregnancy rate of 35-40%. at the best, you’d only have about a 15% difference in the likelihood of not getting pregnant, and this is using the method perfectly, which is not only very hard, but also it’s very unlikely that you will use it correctly.
• pulling out before ejaculation is also not a proper substitute for proper birth control. before ejaculation, sperm still escapes through pre-come, and even in some people has a higher sperm count than semen itself.
• sex is only sex. it will only ever be sex. it’s not a relationship, it’s not a way to hang onto someone. it’s completely separate from feelings. some people associate sex with emotions, and that’s fine, but sex cannot serve as a replacement for an emotional relationship. if your partner wants an exclusively sexual relationship, but you want an emotional relationship, you can talk to them about it, but there is no way to convince them that an emotional relationship is a good idea. if you and your partner disagree on this, it’d be a good idea to separate, as it can’t really lead to anything but hurt feelings.
• stds are not indicators of someone “sleeping around,” being homosexual, or being dirty. plenty of perfectly respectable people get stds. you can be very careful and still get stds. your partner can test negative for an std and still give it to you. there’s no perfect way to prevent an std, but really, as long as it’s curable, does it matter? chronic stds can indeed ruin your sex life, but curable ones aren’t anything to be embarrassed of. being aware of your body, getting tested regularly, and getting your partner(s) tested helps. there’s no such thing as an std that you can only get if you’re a “slut,” a homosexual, or an unhygienic person. anyone who has sex is susceptible to an std.
• sex can be good without orgasm. orgasm isn’t the goal of sex. the goal of sex is to enjoy yourself, have intimacy with your partner(s), and feel good. sure, orgasms are nice, but you can still enjoy sex without orgasming!
• some people can’t orgasm and that’s just fine. some people with vaginas can’t orgasm. some people with penises have trouble ejaculating or orgasming. that doesn’t mean sex is pointless or unenjoyable for them! sex is what you make it, and if you base your self-worth on whether you or your partner(s) can orgasm or not, then i would strongly recommend trying to find a sense of self-worth somewhere else.
• and finally, sex is supposed to be enjoyable. if you don’t enjoy it, there’s something wrong with it. let me be clear: not wrong with you, wrong with the sex. talk to your partner about it. there are very few vagina-bearers who can orgasm from just penis-in-vagina sex. i’ve ready statistics between 12% and 30% can. there’s nothing wrong with that, each partner should enjoy the act. it shouldn’t end when one person climaxes. many vagina-bearers can be assisted with a lot of foreplay, stimulation of the clitoris, and fingering. no one should treat the other partner’s orgasm as a chore. if you are asexual or otherwise a non-sexual being, then there may be nothing that can be done to improve sex for you, and that’s okay. you can choose not to have sex. but you can be nonsexual/asexual and choose to have sex with your partner and enjoy it. the key to sex is communication and ultimately, what you do with your body is your choice and your choice alone.
• EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS POINT: there’s nothing wrong with you. there is nothing wrong with your body. there is nothing wrong with making your own choices. there is nothing inherently wrong about you as a human being. i don’t know how i can stress this enough. punch out anyone who tried to tell you otherwise. choosing to have sex or to not have sex is a choice for you and you alone to make.

for more information, you can check out planned parenthood, either in person or online. you can go to scarleteen.com for info about sex for teens/young adults. the internet is your best friend, if you have embarrassing questions, chances are you can type them into google and get an answer from someone who’s already asked the same question. there’s really no such thing as a silly sex question, sex is a really weird and difficult thing.

edit: i got some feedback on the last point and how i phrased it, so i edited it to better reflect the asexuality/nonsexual spectrum. i wanted to express that it’s alright for someone to not enjoy sex, and i was honestly baffled on how to do it in the context of the rest of the paragraph. i am always open to things i can improve on, and if it still isn’t right, i’ll edit it until it is.

edit 2: if you’re going to reblog this and slut-shame, please consider making a separate post instead of reblogging this one. it is not only disgusting, but it also counteracts the entire point of this post.

edit 3: added a few more things about vagina health and first-time bleeding, as well as some stuff about slut-shaming within the post. i didn’t think it needed to be mentioned directly, but god so many reblogs with slut-shaming happened. i apologize for these people from the bottom of my heart.

edit 4: added some clarifications, extra info about washing. if you have any corrections to suggest, i would appreciate it if you included the bolded heading for the section so i know where to make the changes!